?????

Hmmm. So I know that no one reads this blog ... which is TOTALLY ok. Understandable since I haven't written anything in almost 2 years. I've just got so many things floating around in my head and I just can't seem to make any sense of it. My father walked out on my mother in July and in essence walked out on his children & grandchildren. At least that's how it felt. We've now been communicating since just before Christmas. So our relationship is a work in progress. But my whole world is my family. It was like my whole world was turned upside down and nothing seemed to make any sense. So when my family as I know it changed ... it has brought and is still bringing up so many things from the past. Things I thought I had long buried. Things that I don't want to remember or think about. Behaviours that I have purposely forgotten why I behave that way. I'm too lazy to write this down in a journal and typing seems to be a bit faster. So I guess this is where I'm going to try and figure myself out. Plus is no one reads this ... and no one knows who I am ... it's all good.

I've been so close to tears so often in the past 7 months. It's not just my father's fault. I've started going back to church. And it's like God is showing me all kinds of things that I purposely turn a blind eye to, because I don't want to see it. Something I've discovered is that I hate emotion. I hate feeling. I allow myself to laugh and allow anger and lust .. but that's it. I have a real problem with love & friendship and letting people in. The only people who are close to me are either in my immediate family or someone who has fouhgt to make me allow them in. Pretty dumb isn't it??!! I don't want anyone close to me. I don't want anyone to know me. I don't want anyone to love me. I learned from an early age that people leave. You move or they move or they just get sick of you, but everyone leaves in the end. I got tired of being hurt. Putting up the walls was the best form of defence. You can't get hurt if you don't let anyone hurt. I once read that someone can only hurt you if you allow it to happen. Which is totally true. (unless we are talking about physical hurt ... but that is a completely different matter) The only problem with that is now I don't know how to let people in. I purposely push people away ... I push their buttons so that they'll confirm my distrust of people. That is something I just figured out about myself at the ripe age of 32. Man, am I SLOW!!! But it's not the other peoples fault since I am purposely trying to push them away. They are just obliging me. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people who will hurt you no matter what. Even if you are as sweet as pie. How much is too much self preservation??? Where do I draw the line?? How far should I let people in?? How do I stop being so messed up??

Would Yoda know the answers?? Better question still .... would I even understand what in the world Yoda was saying!! :-)

Ok .. enough thoughts for 1 day.

Renovations ... Day 3?

Not much to say. We were there for about 2 hours, but it feels like we accomplished NOTHING! We had to try and get the last few spots of wallpaper that are stuck to the wall like glue. We didn't fully accomplish that. Keri was awesome and put a new toilet seat on the toilet. She deserves a medal!! It was nasty! Crusty pee all over the toilet, and some brown spots. (dry heaves..) But I am so thankful to her...because I had to pee, but I wasn't about to pee on the toilet seat the last occupants left. I could have gotten some type of disease. Then we managed to rip off some, note that I said some of the nail trim that holds carpet down. That part seems to take forever! I also tried to take off some of the peel & stick tiles in the kitchen. Apparently the first one was the easiest. Because the other ones seem to be brittle and just break into little pieces. I also discovered that in the main part of the kitchen ... tile has been placed over top of tile. So I have two, that's right TWO layers of tile to take off. On a high note..I found where the pee smell came from. It was on the carpet in the front hall closet. Which I ripped out...and then realized I had forgotten to put gloves on. Man, I'm so glad I brought hand soap with me! We also had some bevvies from Tim Horton's & of course some baked yummy goodness. We were getting right into the renovations mode. You can't renovate with out Timmy's.
So tonight a mover is coming over to give us a quote to see how much it will be to move. Then afterwards, we will go to the house and try to accomplish something.
Then tomorrow starts the real deal. We'll be there ALL day for the next 9 days. Plus tomorrow is a VERY early day. We're getting up early to go out for breakfast and then we have to meet the locksmith for 9:30. I'm tired already and we're just starting. Hopefully the rest of the renovations don't go as slow as last night.

Rude relatives

Ok, so I have to write this because it's annoying me. My aunt ... let's call her 'A', is having a suprise birthday party for her husband. That's not the annoying part. Her sister-in-law, who we'll call 'B', called up and said that she was bringing her RV up and spending the night. 'B' didn't ask, she just told 'A' that was what was going to happen. 'B' wants to 'party' and doesn't want to drive home. It's just supposed to be a coffee and cake, gathering. Nothing substantial. So instead of making it a small, light get together, 'B' wants to make it a drinking party. Also, 'B' will be drinking in the RV with her daughter there. Granted her daughter is 13, but it's still not a good enviroment for a child. So I'm annoyed with 'B', and totally sympathize with Aunt 'A'. I've had run-ins with 'B', she tries to control me and tell me what to do. I'm 30 - freakin' years old! I don't do well when people try to control me, or pull crap like the above. However, that's a completely different story...

Anywho...

How redneck is it to park a RV in someone's driveway so you can drink all night???

Day 2 of Renovations...

I should say ... Hours # 3 & 4, but Day 2 souds better. We're both working this week, so can only go to the house and do some work for a couple hours a night. We took the dogs with us, because when we went to leave they started howling. REALLY LOUD!! Not good in an apartment building. So they got their wish and came with us. We had to section them off in the entrance way because there is too much junk and dangerous things they could get hurt with. So Kiya, whined THE WHOLE 2 HOURS!!!!!! Keri & I were both ready to kill her. Good thing she's cute. The move is really stressing her out. Everytime she sees boxes leaving the house, or me packing another box, she gets extremely clingy. I think she might believe we'll be taking a REALLY long vacation and we aren't going to take her. The stress is making her act out with a whole lot of barking! But back to the renovations ... last night, I got most of the wallpaper off in the kitchen. The spot by the stove that was caked in grease ... that is stuck like glue. My boss bought me some cleaning supplies as a 'congrats on the new place', and there is an awesome grease remover in the package. So I'll try and use that to get off the last of the wallpaper. Keri removed the carpet from the closets. The shag carpet in the linen closet...I thought it was orange. It actually used to be yellow... that's how dirty it was. The carpet in the livingroom is gone. I think for a couple hours of work we did good. I'm proud of us. I got my first injury. I was getting up on the paint ladder, which is new and my knee hit a sharp edge on the ladder. It ripped right through my jeans, rather nice jeans ... and I only have 2 pair of jeans. grr. The ladder gouged my knee, so it was a good thing there was a first aid kit in the van!

So tonight after work, it will be a quick trip to Rona to pick up some more supplies. I know I'll have to clean that bathroom before the major work begins on Saturday ... but it's just soooooo gross! So I'll definately be picking up a new toilet seat...and hopefully soon, a new toilet. ick. Just the thought of the current state of the bathroom gives me the dry heaves.

I don't know if this is normal, but I'm having a very hard time concentrating on work this week. I just want to get into the house and 'get her done'. It's fun, of course it's only day 2. Ask me again at the end of next week. I'm sore after a total of 4 hours of physical labour. I love learning construction stuff, but I am woman enough to admit I am too much of a wimp to do it for a living.

My new washer & dryer are being delivered this Tuesday. Yay! No more laundry mats for me. Some weird people go there, and I am refering to people other than myself. I won't have to listen to stupid slutty women flirting with married men. Hey you, hoser... he's married .... move on!

Also, my new fridge & stove are scheduled to be delivered on May 19th. So I guess if nothing else is done ... we better have the kitchen painted and the new floor down.

Yay! I'm so excited. Appliances, a vehicle & a mortgage. Wow, I'm a bona fide adult now.

Lunch at BP's.

Yesterday, I went to lunch with my parents, to B*ston Pizza. We had a rather..umm, ditzy waitress. I may not know much about men, but I certainly know more than her. While she was taking the drink orders, my father asked for a drink with a mixture of orange juice, cranberry juice, gingerale & some grenadine. The waitress' response was...'oh, you mean like a Shirley Temple??' My dad gave her a look and repeated the mixture he wanted, and she trots off. She comes back 15 minutes later with our drinks. Easy drinks, so I don't know why it took her so long to bring back an ice tea with a slice of lemon, and a glass of cold water with lemon (it was supposed to be hot water with lemon) and then the juice mix for my dad. She looks at him and says 'I asked the bartender and he said it was a Shirley Temple with cranberry juice added to it. So next time you know what to order.' I'm sure she didn't see my dad roll his eyes.

Not the brightest cookie. Because you never, ever, EVER suggest ... especially to a straight man... that next time he orders a SHIRLEY TEMPLE! Men don't order Shirley Temples! They order MISC JUICE MIXED TOGETHER!!! This girl has a lot to learn... So miss waitress, your lesson for today is .... Just because a man orders a frilly drink, doesn't mean you point it out to him.

End of Story

That's Ms. Homeowner To You!

So yesterday was the closing day for my new house. It's a condo townhouse, that I bought with my best friend. We're both excited, because that means we get to move out of the hood! Yay us!! It's in a nice area of town and includes a complex pool and a basketball court. We even have a backyard. A perfect place for future neices/nephews and my darling chihuahuas. So I had my final walkthrough that morning. It was scheduled for 9:30. My real estate agent was a bit late, but that's fine...it's to be expected in that business. However, my lawyer, who is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, called me at 9:40 to see how the walkthrough went. He's so on the ball, reasonably priced and honest ... which I know is hard to find. Things that had to be done by the seller included all of the tenants possessions are to be removed and all new floor vents (because the current ones were disgusting .. as in dirty and decaying) I pull up into my new driveway...and there is a pile of junk outside the townhouse. Not a small pile...but a rather large one, probably almost the size of my minivan. The pile included garbage, lampshades, wood, a vaccuum, recycling, garbage, and a couple of pee stained mattresses. mmm, yummy. Then I get inside and I was in shock! The place smelled so bad, and I knew the place would be dirty, but I had no idea how dirty it was until all of the previous occupants items were gone. There was a substantial hole in the wood panelling in the basement ... which was new. And the seller also didn't replace the cool air vent. Lazy butt! It's something that has to be special ordered, so he didn't bother doing it. So my lawyer got us some money because we have to replace the vent and fix the wall. I also had to run to Home Depot to price these items because the sellers laywer offered an insulting amount. I'm glad I had the day off. But despite the hiccups, everything is all done and signed. The place is ours! Last night Keri & I went to the new place for a couple of hours, and managed to rip out all of the carpeting & underlay in the upstairs and on the stairs going upstairs. We are quite proud of ourselves. In the process of ripping out carpet, we found some gifts from the previous occupants. They left us a shrimp tail in the bedroom, a half eaten lollypop in the front hall closet, some used Q-tips, the walls have that yellowey/brown grease goo all over the kitchen and a suprise in the bathroom. Thankfully it was just pee, but come on! How difficult is it to flush a toilet??? They also left us some hideous window treatments, a couple bars of used soap and some pads.... but they took the toilet paper. People are weird...and very, very dirty. I mean the bad kind of dirty, not the good kind. I like good dirty. TMI, sorry. We also found out that the patio door lock isn't working. So I had to find some peices of wood to jam in the door. I have all my tools there and definately don't want them to get stolen. I have the locksmith coming this weekend, and he'll rekey the door, add a deadbolt and fix the balcony door lock. Wow! This home buying/owning is hard work. But I sure can't wait to do more renovations. We both have 9 days off so we'll be doing some major work at the new place. I'm VERY excited to see how it will look after we put our personal touches into the house. I'm hoping it's unrecognizeable. I'll let you know.

Mazie

This is what I sometimes call my best friend. It was all a misunderstanding. She had written her middle names down...and her writing is sooooooooooo bad! So I thought it said Mazie, which it did not, and the nickname just stuck.
We had very different upbringings. Mazie & my parents love their children in their own way...they just seem to love us very differently. My parents are full of physical affection. Hugs & kisses when I want or need them. Always a helping hand if I need it. Very supportive and a very 'hands on' family. My parents seem to miss me (and my sister), just an hour after we've finished a family visit. And they of course will say so.
Mazie on the other hand...
I know her parents love her, I have no doubt of that. I think they're great, we get along and they've even invited me to live in their home so I could accept a job in that city. Very generous! But it's how they are with Mazie that bothers me. It's the little & big things. When she flys home for a visit, instead of being treated like a guest she's more like a maid. They put her to work..it's more of a 'do this', instead of 'would you mind helping me?'. Mazie's income is less than 1/5 of what her parents make and at least 1/4 of what her brother makes. She always manages to go home and visit. She can't afford to, but she misses her family. All her trips go onto her credit card and she is still paying for them. She has lived in Ontario for over 5 years now. Her brother has yet to visit. Her mother has been her twice. One of those times is because her husband and son were away and so they sent the mom here so she wouldn't be alone. Maybe it's petty. But I wish they would come to see her because they missed her and loved her...not because they just don't want to be alone. Her dad has been here a few times, but that's mostly because he has business to attend to in this area. He has been here once for a pleasure trip. So I can't totally fault her parents.
I guess I'm all annoyed, because Mazie & I are looking to buy a house together. Last night she was upset because it means she'll have no money to go visit her parents. Her parents don't seem to care that she's going to buy a home. My family is excited for me. My grandmother squeeled on the phone for heavens sake! (grandma is REALLY excited) Mazie's parents said they would come and visit her when she gets something bigger than an apartment. Because they can't afford to stay at the hotel. So Mazie gets an email this morning from her father. He can't afford to come visit. He just bought a truck worth 60,000...so her visit has to wait. She is totally hurt! And I'm totally pissed off. I don't understand how a truck is more important than a child. It's like ... I'm sorry I can't fly to see you for $500 and stay at a hotel for a week $700 (even though we offer our apartment instead) a total of $1200 but I can buy a $60,000 truck. This is just the tip of the iceberg of things that happen. I hurt for my best friend. I can't imagine my father saying that. I know I would be devastated, and hurt. Hurt isn't even a strong enough word. It would feel like a gouge in my heart.
I know all I can do is just be there for her. I just wish I could make things better for her.