?????

Hmmm. So I know that no one reads this blog ... which is TOTALLY ok. Understandable since I haven't written anything in almost 2 years. I've just got so many things floating around in my head and I just can't seem to make any sense of it. My father walked out on my mother in July and in essence walked out on his children & grandchildren. At least that's how it felt. We've now been communicating since just before Christmas. So our relationship is a work in progress. But my whole world is my family. It was like my whole world was turned upside down and nothing seemed to make any sense. So when my family as I know it changed ... it has brought and is still bringing up so many things from the past. Things I thought I had long buried. Things that I don't want to remember or think about. Behaviours that I have purposely forgotten why I behave that way. I'm too lazy to write this down in a journal and typing seems to be a bit faster. So I guess this is where I'm going to try and figure myself out. Plus is no one reads this ... and no one knows who I am ... it's all good.

I've been so close to tears so often in the past 7 months. It's not just my father's fault. I've started going back to church. And it's like God is showing me all kinds of things that I purposely turn a blind eye to, because I don't want to see it. Something I've discovered is that I hate emotion. I hate feeling. I allow myself to laugh and allow anger and lust .. but that's it. I have a real problem with love & friendship and letting people in. The only people who are close to me are either in my immediate family or someone who has fouhgt to make me allow them in. Pretty dumb isn't it??!! I don't want anyone close to me. I don't want anyone to know me. I don't want anyone to love me. I learned from an early age that people leave. You move or they move or they just get sick of you, but everyone leaves in the end. I got tired of being hurt. Putting up the walls was the best form of defence. You can't get hurt if you don't let anyone hurt. I once read that someone can only hurt you if you allow it to happen. Which is totally true. (unless we are talking about physical hurt ... but that is a completely different matter) The only problem with that is now I don't know how to let people in. I purposely push people away ... I push their buttons so that they'll confirm my distrust of people. That is something I just figured out about myself at the ripe age of 32. Man, am I SLOW!!! But it's not the other peoples fault since I am purposely trying to push them away. They are just obliging me. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people who will hurt you no matter what. Even if you are as sweet as pie. How much is too much self preservation??? Where do I draw the line?? How far should I let people in?? How do I stop being so messed up??

Would Yoda know the answers?? Better question still .... would I even understand what in the world Yoda was saying!! :-)

Ok .. enough thoughts for 1 day.