Tears

Don't you find it amazing just how many tears can be shed by one person? They can come when you are happy, sad, lonely, angry, physically hurt. I suprise myself that I haven't run out of tears yet. One of my best friends died over 5 years ago. The pain is still so fresh so many years later. I find my eyes watering right now, while thinking about him. When D went missing, it felt like someone punched right through my skin grabbed my beating heart and ripped it out of my chest. He's the only man I've ever let in. He saw right through all that crap that I show the world. He looked at me and saw the real me. He made me feel safe, loved and adored. I could tell him anything, without feeling stupid. That was one of the hardest things about losing him. I started crying and I couldn't stop. For the whole first year I cried myself to sleep every night. I don't think I can call it crying. I've never cried so hard, I suppose it was more like wailing. There was only one person who could make it better. But he was the one person who wasn't there. I remember that the only thing I wanted was to feel his arms around me telling me that everything would be ok. There were nights that I had dreams that were so real, that when I woke up the morning it took a while for reality to set in. Then it was like losing him all over again. For 3 years after D disappeared, I always kept my eyes open. I expected him to walk through that door. Hoping and praying. After 5 years, I have no choice but to come to terms with the fact that he is dead. I still have fantasies where he just has amnesia and he's actually out there somewhere, safe and sound. I know it's probably childish, but frankly, I don't care. The little girl in me feels broken, bruised, alone and very dead inside. I still wonder...what if?? What if, I had moved to Italy with him? What if..I had been able to keep him safe. What if...? What if...? What if....? The scariest what if, is what if I can never feel again? I guess my memories and the 'what ifs' are all I have left.